First published in 2006 after the arrest of Paris Hilton for drink driving. I am writing to on behalf of the campaign to Free The Hollywood One! A gross injustice has taken place in America, a rare situation I know, but I feel it is my duty to start to raise money to alleviate the suffering caused by an unthinking judge.
A young innocent called Paris Hilton has fallen foul of cruel and unjust laws in Los Angeles, I mean, all she did was drive home, fried to the tonsils wearing a boob tube and skin tight pencil skirt, endangering the lives of other road users and her own.
What were the police thinking? The flashing blue lights must have dazzled her!
This was her first offence, if you ignore her recording career and placing her under house arrest was a particularly unkind thing to do. A fourteen bedroom mansion with pool and floodlit grounds can be a scary place at night, she nearly starved… as it was the maid’s night off. The local Kwik Save was out of Jammie Dodgers and Captain Jaspers don’t deliver that far. She was also forced to wear a bracelet by the courts and devastatingly, it clashed with her bag and couldn’t be accessorized.
There was worse to come, prison! Here, the orange, slight soiled, State Penitentiary issue jumpsuit wasn’t in her size and the shower was cold and leaked, rather like her cell mate.
So we need to raise money! Lots of money. We need your donations, just send ten pounds, it will mean so much to her. Actually ten pounds will mean nothing to her! Send at least fifty pounds.
With fifty quid we can send her to French lessons where we can teach her the meaning of the word ‘chauffeur’. One hundred pounds will get her and her friends a taxi from the night club and therefore she needn’t bother the LAPD for the majority of the ride home.
The situation is grim. Latest news from The US, states that she is on suicide watch, which I assumed was a spin off of Baywatch! Well, it was an easy mistake to make, Blond, bad at acting, false bits with a dodgy video background on the web….she seemed perfect for a TV series based around one storyline where the actors don’t necessarily need to be able to read. It was an easy mistake to make!
So send money now. Make cheques payable to The Paris Hilton Alcohol Rehabilitation Trust or just use the initials P.H.A.R.T. Your P.H.A.R.T donation will go a long way, about five and a half thousand miles! With your donation, her friends will soon be getting plastered with Paris, relaxing in a safe cozy environment, devoid of reality.
Yours, fighting for the individual.
Fitz
P. S. By the way, is it just me or does the 2012 Olympic symbol look like Geoff Capes squatting in a hedge doing something unpleasant!
