Hello, yes it’s that time of year again so welcome to your refresher ‘back to school’ driving course from Uncle Fitz’s school of motoring. If you having been off the school run for the last couple of months, you may be a little rusty and now that our precious little bundles of joy are back in class, let’s go through those golden rules of driving.
1. Always make sure you are about twenty to twenty five minutes late so you have to drive like a complete moron. That burst of speed first thing in the morning will really clear your head beautifully. Try to keep a steady forty five miles an hour, no matter what the conditions, fifty if it’s raining. If you’re in a country lane sixty is perfectly acceptable and never…never reverse. A sudden change in direction may make your child nauseous or disorientated. If you’re in town or the speed limit is forty then forget all previous personal bests and really put your foot down. Keep in mind that most police officers are parents as well, and
will totally understand that indication really isn’t that important when entering Marsh Mills roundabout.
Now here’s a money saving piece of advice. If you are travelling with a toddler, always try to remember to strap him/her/it into the back seat. By letting him/her or it just stand, hanging onto the backs of the seats may cost you your fifty pound excess on the windscreen insurance. That can be a real nuisance.
2. Turning round whilst driving to shout at Darren, Tracey, Chardonnay, Ryan or Wayne is perfectly acceptable. Most cars can drive themselves these days, glancing off parked vehicles is not an offence and any other motorists you hit, will have an amusing story to tell when they get to their destination.
3. When approaching your school, never bother to look in your rear view mirror. Simply brake and throw open all the car doors. You get to meet a whole new circle of friends that way.
4. Remember, your child cannot walk any more that six feet so never park just round the corner, head straight for the school gates. Mounting the kerb or actually getting the bonnet of the car into the playground can save you seconds and your child valuable inches towards their classroom destination. It will also save on shoe wear. Those painted signs on the road
which say, DANGER SCHOOL KEEP CLEAR, are only put there to keep South West Highways busy in the winter. They don’t actually mean that parking there could be a hazard.
5. Don’t worry if your vehicle is blocking any major highway, strike up conversations with other parents or simply leave the engine running while you search for those old trainers lost at the end of last term. People really don’t mind waiting.
6. Drive back home and settle down for a feast of daytime television or pop off to the office and complain to fellow workmates about that appalling early morning journey. Both will set you up for a repeat performance at around three thirty.
Happy motoring.
Next week, should there be attacks on caravans…. Sorry, should there be a tax on caravans.
Fitz
