It has been a busy month in the FitzGerald family household with the biggest news revolving around the fact that ‘Ratboy’, the son and heir, has passed his driving test. We are all very proud of him but strangely, for a teenager, he has turned into Reginald Molehusband!
For those who are too young to remember, Reginald Molehusband was a fictional character who starred in a public information film, shown on British TV during the 1960s. He was depicted as the country’s worst driver but was taught to be the best, pootling around in his Austin 1100 car. In a perfect impression, Ratboy sets sail down the A38 at 68.7 mph, tutting at passersby doing 70.2mph! I have thought of buying him string back driving gloves, a beige car coat and a flat hat. He would probably wear the coat and gloves but I doubt if the hat would fit over the ‘Mrs Slocombe’ bouffant style hair do, thick with gel and hair spray putting two inches on his height and three feet off the earth’s ozone layer. And then the ultimate reality lesson of owning a full driving license, off to the petrol station to fill up. Having vanished for an hour, he came home and proudly announced that he had put five pounds in. YES, FIVE WHOLE POUNDS! What did he fill up….the ashtray? I didn’t think garages could sell that amount unless you brought your own cup! I worked out that from home to the petrol station, he used just over £2.50 there and back assuming he did an average of 28.6 mph in the uilt up areas, slowed at the roundabout to 16.2 mph, indicated twice and came to a gentle halt by the pump having gone through every gear on the forecourt. He says he wants a satnav for his birthday but I might just employ a little man with a red flag.
Anyway speaking of old men, I see the new Harry Potter hero, Engelbert Humperdinck has come out of retirement to entertain us all at the Eurovision song contest or as it is being called, The Pensioner of Azerbaijan. It must be odd for the 75 year old crooner going to a country which is only 18 years younger himself. I only hope that the singing stage has (a) railings, (b) a stair lift and (c) some sort of porta potty in the wings. The song he has chosen is Love Will Set You Free (But Pepsidol Relieves Trapped Wind)….sorry I may have added that bit. I seriously wish him well and hope he behaves himself in the after show party, no sordid pictures in a Jacuzzi with the Russian Buranovo grannies, unless of course they fancy a toy boy encounter, their lead singer is a sparkling 76! Here’s to seeing Dame Vera Lynn at Glastonbury!
Fitz
P.S. Ratboy’s trip to the garage took place before the income generation exercise from this government at the end of March. By my loose calculations, The Treasury will have made in excess of £323 million in duty and VAT from the pumps in just two days by suggesting that ‘we’ go and fill our kettles with petrol. I have apologised to the authorites and the RSPB for suggesting that the Big Garden Birdwatch figures, released over the same period, showed that Starling numbers were down, Goldfinch numbers were stable but the sighting of tits, especially at petrol stations, were up!
