Congratulations to my local supermarket who have placed an advert at the end of the escalator which nearly killed me as I tried to read it. It was small, blurred and at an angle and in trying to focus on it, I missed the end of the belt and launched myself into a display of rose wine. Normally I wouldn’t complain but picking myself out of the Zinfandel, I read…
‘All this week, get your eyes tested!’ You will be hearing from my solicitor.
However, this week I have been mainly apologising! Firstly there was the Drake Circus shopping centre incident on Monday and here I would like to make a formal apology to anyone touched by my inability to cope with modern design. But I would point out that if the urinals were marked ‘urinals’ and the low level highly modern sinks were marked ‘sinks’, the problem would not have arisen. A separate apology to South West Water has been sent.
Then there was the solar powered garden lights incident! As I mentioned last week, these dull plastic orbs have sat on the edge of my path for nine days and haven’t even flickered. So back they went to the shop and a small argument flared, which is more than the lights did!
‘They don’t work!’ I said.
‘You haven’t pulled the tab on the batteries!’ said the assistant.
‘What tab?’
‘The tab that says pull!’
‘Where?’
‘There….. the tab that is marked… tab …pull!’
‘Well, where does it say that on the instructions then?’
‘There,’ said the shop assistant pointing to a section of the instructions marked…. How to operate your garden light….. first pull the tab …which was just beside Pullez le tab, Pullen das taben and el pullo del tabelo!
I smiled at the youngster and said. ‘Well done Pike, I was wandering when someone was going to spot that!’ Trust me to get an assistant who is too young to have ever watched Dad’s Army.
Then there was the phone call on Monday night which always arrives on a Monday night and a Tuesday….and a Wednesday…..
‘Hello,’ said a foreign voice. Mr Fit Gerald can I ask…….’
I did what I usually do when I get a call of this nature, offering me cheaper car insurance, double glazing or banking in the Philippines, I slammed down the phone.
Five minutes later the phone rang again and the same voice tried to start a conversation and I repeated the process.
How the hell they have got my number, I will never know, but these phone sales calls are the scourge of modern society…..worse than face painting!
It was then that the enemy, the good lady wife, walked past the office door and mentioned the fact that….
‘That lady from the Chinese is very late in delivering our order!’
Ahhhh! Arse………
Isn’t 1471 an excellent service especially when you can redial and guide in a lost Lemon Chicken and fried rice.
Yours, in the dog house.
Fitz
