First published in 2011.
I have learnt many things this week. Mainly that a truly wise man does not put too much effort into the scrubbing of a loo with a toilet brush. A gentle agitation is all that is needed and to put one’s highly expensive reading glasses on to get a better view of the whole affair is also not necessary. I also discovered that to flush just as the glasses drop off the end of your nose is just plain unlucky and that certain brand of designer spectacles does not float. You can add to this the fact that using the brush and the hooked end of a toilet duck bottle is no use to retrieve said glasses and that a plumber’s bill to unblock a bog stuffed up with toilet duck bottles, brushes and spectacles is slightly more than to replace the bloody glasses themselves.
I couldn’t help but notice that the stage show of ‘Britain’s Most Haunted’ had to be cancelled at the Plymouth Pavilions this month due to unforeseen circumstances. Isn’t this the show that uses mediums? Surely they could see this coming! I love the show on tele. People wandering around dimly lit corridors meeting spirits of desperate men and woman, talking to former horse thieves, dangerous criminals, footpads and highwayman and in general trying to raise the voices of the dead. However the last one I watched, was a bit dull but seemed to be building to something big when the enemy pointed out that I had sat on the TV controller and had turned over to ‘Live from The Houses of Parliament.’ Two hours I had been trying to get into the plot.
I will put the show’s cancellation into a small file of things that have made me smile over the years, like a Sky News interview I had prepared for with the Health Minister of the day. At the last minute he cancelled, he was ill! Or the regional chairman of MENSA who turned up at an Exeter radio studio and walked past the double doors marked ENTRANCE and was found at the back of the building banging on the no entry sign of a fire door. Then there was a small incident with a group called The Great Fab Four or something, a Beatles tribute act who arrived at my studio at the end of 1980. They waked in and sat down and did the interview in full costume. They could sing live, had all the banter and even had the accents off perfectly. That night I went to watch them on stage and three came out. Wow, I thought, that’s dedication to the art, they’ve shot one…..but Lennon had done his ankle on the stairs to the dressing room.
I hope this all makes sense…..I have had to write this without my glasses…..
Yours
Fotz
P.S. Why are all bog brushes white? Surely brown would be a better colour!
