I would like to say hello to Brian and Jane who always read this column, sadly they are reading it this week for a different reason. Having left their Devon home with two inches of snow and travelled on the road to London through two inches of snow, to get to an airport with two inches of snow, to be told the plane can’t take you to a country with two feet of snow for a skiing holiday….. is typically British.
What is also typically British is the refusal to wear the proper clothing for the time of year. While standing outside Lloyds Bank in Royal Parade a young lady wandered past me in what can only be described as a hankie for a gerbil topped off with a T shirt!
With the wind coming straight up from Derry’s roundabout and not even pausing at her knees, I thought she was wearing blue thigh length boots and matching paisley tights. I was wrong! It was just her appalling circulation. What is wrong with the younger generation these days, none of them seem to have got any thermostats? OK here speaks someone with 30% body fat who owns one cardie! Even Ratboy, the son and heir, was dressed for an Hawaiian barbeque as the snow came fluttering down last week. He came into the house chattering, wearing only a baseball hat, cut off trousers and hairspray. What happened to the trustworthy bobble hat, duffle coat and idiot mittens? I remember warming chilblains in front of paraffin heaters! You can’t get either these days. Mind you I remember melting tarmac on the roads in summer, that hasn’t been an option in years.
Speaking of the younger generation, I would like to apologise to Tom Daley for missing his Saturday night programme. I meant to watch it but when I checked the TV planner all I saw was Splash. I assumed it was the classic film from the 1980’s starring Darryl Hannah and to be honest I would rather gnaw my left leg off that sit through that again. I remember one film critic suggesting that maybe the film would benefit from a total directors re-cut. I would suggest any film which has Darryl Hannah in can be greatly enhanced with a total power cut.
Love the show Tom, but what next in the TV schedule? What other Olympic ideas can be placed into a television entertainment format? How about celebrity pole vaulting? I would love to see Anne Widdecombe or Russell Grant hammering down the track with ten foot of timber in their hands. Trust me; someone within the television industry will suggest it.
Speaking of television, something has gone very wrong with my satellite box. I turned it on last night and got a programme without Richard Hammond in it. To make matters worse there were only two channels with Claire Balding’s face clearly visible. Obviously a major technical issue there!
Yours truly,
Fitz
