I am sat here listening to the snow report on Friday. The weather has closed the Southampton, Bristol and Cardiff airports. Thankfully we have already closed Plymouth airport so just think of the money we have saved in trying to clear it of snow!
Anyway, I was in a shop a few days ago, which is a rare statement in itself these days. I managed to get out before I was locked in with the administrators. In my parent’s time, early closing meant midday Wednesday not just after Christmas never to be seen again. This particular
establishment was boasting an odd bargain collection. Half price Christmas cards, two for one Easter Eggs and cut price sun tan lotion. Talk about wishing you life away, half of 2013 was stretched out in front of me on one shelf. The only thing missing from that was Halloween, Valentines and Father’s Day tat.
I had wandered in to town in order to search through the sales and at one time had found myself sat in Drakes Circus at a café. Being 51 years old now, I have learnt never to pass up the chance of a sandwich or a pee so had just finished one and was thinking about the other when I noticed a
strange, male based, phenomena. The loo opposite me was doing steady business but I couldn’t help but notice that most of the gentlemen customers started a sort of ‘run up’ from about twenty yards from the actual convenience door. Now, I don’t suggest you sit there and observe this for yourself but believe me half of the men were already fumbling with their flies in mid concourse! Why? Do I do that? Do you do that? IF SO, STOP IT.
There was one other male based phenomenon I noticed that day, the ‘sales trance’. In every shoe store and dress emporium, the sales trance had struck the male population. Desperate looking individuals, staring out of the shop windows or trying to find something interesting about mass produced galvanised clothing rails, while the female of the species rummaged through collections summer maxi dresses, whatever they are? I spent so long in one frock shop; I was beginning to feel like Julian Assange…by the way is he still in the Ecuadorean embassy?
Every so often one or two of the traumatised males would leave their partners and collect outside of the stores in hopes of finding something interesting; I know I was one of them. I actually got talking to the bloke selling membership to a car breakdown association. Great value, brilliant cover and even European recovery! He went though it all for me. I hadn’t the heart to tell him I have been a member for twelve years but at least I didn’t have to go through the open toed sandal range again or the specially reduced onesy’s pile. The sad thing is I would have liked a onesy for Christmas. I am going to suggest to my employers that they produce their own range. I think BBC Onesy’s and Radio Onesy’s would sell.
Yours
Fitz
