I have been asked to pass on my advice and experience when it comes to Christmas and offer some handy money saving tips for this difficult time.
In my experience, the first big cost is the Christmas dinner and by far the best way to cut down on the expense is to come round to mine and blend into the crowd of twenty or so complete strangers that arrive on Christmas morning and expect to be fed. The enemy, the good lady wife, tends to invite anyone she meets over the year and caters accordingly. The thinner and the more feral they look, the less chance they have of saying no and are herded into the one big sitting at about 3.00pm. Out from the kitchen comes half a children’s petting zoo with roast potatoes and stuffing and there then follows scenes reminiscent of the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan! Last year we introduced cutlery which slowed things down a bit but otherwise Boxing Day is usually taken up with burning the food spattered carpet.
Anyway back to watching the pennies. Christmas trees are another hideous expense so try cutting down next doors Leylandii and sticking it up in the front room. The ensuing court case may be a little expensive but is nothing compared to the slightly bent Norwegian Spruce merchants who spring up at the side of the road and charge £10 a foot!
Presents!
This can be a tricky area but by inviting twenty for dinner, you receive a whole cross section of tat that can be recycled for next year. Remember to keep a log of who gives you what, embarrassing if you give back the Victorian pearl handled ear trumpet to the Wally who gave it to you in the first place. Try keeping a list entitled What Tat!
Gentlemen, as for the loved one, never buy clothes….full stop! Your idea of what looks good on the little lady, may not be hers. If you ‘have to’ resort to clothing, size 20 dresses should never be considered. The attitude of ‘that should cover everything’ is not a good relationship builder. I know, I’ve tried it! His and hers spittoons don’t go down well either. Angle grinders and pneumatic drain cleaners can be wrapped nicely but she may well not see the practical side of such gifts.
Surviving Christmas as a bloke!
Try to invite someone who drinks more than you. It will take the family’s attention away from your behaviour. Pulling a cracker with your buttocks may seem like a good idea at the time but I’ll guarantee ‘her’ mother has little sense of humour and is unlikely to have the strength to join in.
Surviving Christmas as a lady!
Book a hotel, insist he drives.
Food.
A lot of money can be saved by looking in the cupboard for the dates you bought last year, the year before that and indeed the year before that. Most families buy dates and then dump them in the cupboard between the mint Angel Delight and discounted jars of beetroot. Do dates have a sell by date…….no! I don’t think so anyway, and let’s face it, dates look like they have just been passed by the last owner. SO NEVER EAT DATES! Another saving can be made with Christmas puddings. Find last year’s dates and there should be last year’s pudding. Five courses, six wines and a good bash at the crystallised fruits and then suddenly someone says ‘We haven’t had the Christmas pudding!’ For the love of Santa…..trying to squeeze rum soaked, currant studded, flambéed suet down your gullet is not a good idea after 8000 calories.
Christmas puddings are like Tom Jones, they never age and they turn up each year looking exactly the same! They are unnaturally dark and have a strange rubbery texture and they both have no place in polite society at Christmas and that goes for mulled wine! Why? No party should start with what is essentially the great taste of warm toilet duck! I’ve ended a few parties that way, but never started the evening.
Have a great Christmas.
Fitz
